While many rom-com plots stretch the limits of plausibility, the characters and situations they highlight offer valuable communication lessons that can be applied to many aspects of our lives, including professional situations. Eli J. Finkelprofessor of management and organizations at the Kellogg School, explores the science of relationships through the lens of rom-coms in his new podcast.Love Really,” co-authored with UC Davis psychology professor Paul Eastwick.
Here, Finkel shares how rom-coms can teach us how to communicate better at work and in life.
How we engage in dangerous communication
In the rom-coms of the 1980s and 1990s, leading men often take huge gambles in the name of winning the love of the woman they admire—sometimes even after she’s made it clear she’s not interested. In the movies, these bets pay off. Think Heath Ledger mocking to Julia Stiles while playing soccer in 1999 10 things i hate about youor John Cusack’s character Lloyd Dobler appearing below Ione Skye’s bedroom window holding a boombox blasting their signature song in 1989 Say AnythingG.
But Finkel says rom-coms “get it wrong in that they always focus on being bold and taking risks, and never being careful enough to say, ‘I don’t want to be intrusive.’ That is, it is also also. important to consider: How much is too much? Should one continue to assert himself if he is given a brush at first? At some point, eventually, a grand enough gesture becomes creepy.
These questions are also important to ask in the workplace, Finkel says. In his view, management researchers have not yet adequately explored the optimal strategy for taking social risks.
“One of the things that I find particularly interesting about how we handle relationships in general and workplace relationships in particular,” says Finkel, “is how we manage the tension between risky urges that might not be welcome— I’m not talking about sexual overtures, but trying to cooperate, being friendly, things like that – instead of trying to avoid an overture that’s unwanted, but which will necessarily come with the loss of some opportunities to connect.”
The challenge applies beyond the bedroom and boardroom.
“I don’t think as a society we’ve really come to grips with the fact that there’s no perfect solution to this,” says Finkel. “We tell people to be bold and take risks and try to make friends and try to start partnerships, knowing full well that if we do that all the time, some of those efforts are going to be unwanted.”
How we handle disagreement
In the context of “what not to do,” rom-coms tend to exhibit bad communication habits. (And unlike the overly risqué shows, these habits actually cause problems for the main characters.)
For example, in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mindthe 2004 sci-fi film about a couple who erase each other’s memories after breaking up, we see several unproductive ways of dealing with the conflict. The couple in the film, Clementine (Kate Winslet) and Joel (Jim Carrey), often exhibit what relationship psychologist John Gottman refers to as “The Four Horsemen» of relationship disclosure: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
“Criticism is when you not only object to what someone did, but attribute it to a failing of their character,” says Finkel. “Contempt is where we feel we are better than the other person,” resulting in a condescending or condescending approach to communication.
Defensiveness is the unwillingness to even entertain someone’s criticism or complaint, and stonewalling is when someone physically or mentally withdraws and is unable to further engage in productive conversation.
“While all of these are particularly corrosive when dealing with conflict,” he says, “the opposite approach – open, honest, non-defensive communication – unfortunately makes for lousy rom-coms.”
Fortunately, the ways in which rom-coms deal with communication have become more sophisticated. The 2024 Tennis Love Triangle Story, challengersexplores how power dynamics shape people’s behaviors within relationships and how this can facilitate or hinder their self-actualization.
“I think the insecurities that people have are dealt with in a much more psychologically interesting and rich way in newer romantic films,” Finkel says, a dynamic that bodes well for more communication lessons to come.
How trust and vulnerability lead to connection
Similarly, main characters in rom-coms often put on a front to avoid being vulnerable, leaving them unable to form a meaningful connection. Consider the character of Kat, played by Stiles 10 things i hate about you. For most of the film, she seems prickly and indifferent to affection, but eventually we learn that her disposition is a self-protective stance against rejection or betrayal.
“In a lot of rom-coms, people are a little reticent about expressing how interested they are,” says Finkel. But whether in romantic relationships or at work, “we can try to have a strong, meaningful relationship with someone, but what it requires is making ourselves vulnerable to that person.” In a professional context, this might look like emotional vulnerability, or it might mean one’s trust in a colleague to fulfill one’s part of a project.
Vulnerability and trust come with risks. “If you and I are going to work together on a project, I have to trust that you will do your part on time and with high quality. And if I trust you to do that and I’m wrong, there’s a real cost to me,” he explains. “If the other person treats us badly, takes advantage of us in some way, doesn’t deliver a high-quality product, we’re kind of spoiled, right?”
But what are the alternatives? The other option is to remain closed off or express disbelief by micromanaging. “All of us, always, in relationships face a trade-off between really leaning in and saying, ‘This is a relationship that I’m going to allow myself to draw from in various ways,’ versus ‘I will.’ confident that I am safe and that this person can never take advantage of me or let me down in any way,” she says.
Thoughtful consideration of these trade-offs, then—and not too much risk aversion—is as key to professional success as it is to romantic success.
How everyone is prone to communication blunders
We all screw up from time to time, and some of those blunders hurt other people. Consider the movie La La Landin which Sebastian, played by Ryan Gosling, arrives late at his girlfriend Mia’s (Emma Stone) one-woman game due to a scheduling glitch.
“Since Mia cares about the relationship,” says Finkel, “she faces a dilemma as to how to respond: Does she lean into her perfectly legitimate grievance, or does she open her heart to forgiveness and understanding?”
Finkel recognizes the cost of favoring forgiveness when we have been hurt, but still recommends it as the default strategy. This is especially true in response to verbal blunders in professional settings, as organizations require the cooperation and good faith of a group of people who may come from different backgrounds and bring different lenses to a situation. We must remember that we sometimes get it wrong too.
“When we open our mouths to give voice to what we think and feel, it doesn’t always translate perfectly. And then there’s actually a gap between my mouth and your ears, which means it might not land in your ears the way I intended it to,” he says. “Given all these levels of uncertainty, the organization and the relationship will benefit to the extent that we try to give the benefit of the doubt. And when we’re upset or offended, give the person a chance to clarify.”
