A psychologist explains “oppressive optimism”—and the toxic side of self-care

Self-care has become a buzzword in wellness culture, and for good reason—it’s essential to our mental, emotional, and physical health. These practices can work wonders, but when the pursuit of positivity turns into an obsession—it can lead to what researchers call “toxic positivity.”

This is what happens when the pursuit of positivity becomes all-consuming, prompting us to focus on positive thinking while pushing real feelings away. Essentially, toxic positivity cancels out negative experiences by promoting the idea that one should always maintain a sunny outlook, no matter the circumstances. Here are three specific examples of how self-care can slip into toxic positivity and end up doing more harm than good.

1. The Social Media Mantra—“Only Good Vibrations”

While surrounding yourself with positivity can be uplifting, insisting on “only good vibes” creates an environment where negative emotions are not just unwanted, but seen as personal failings.

Denying stress and anxiety under the guise of self-care prevents us from addressing the root causes of our discomfort. Instead of seeking support or implementing strategies to manage stress, relentless positivity acts as a barrier, ultimately exacerbating feelings of isolation and inadequacy. Psychologically, this can lead to increased stress, emotional exhaustion and a reduced ability to cope with future challenges.

Keep a balance while practicing self-care. Make it more authentic by acknowledging feelings of stress and finding constructive ways to manage them.

ONE study was published on Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that accepting feelings and thoughts without judgment—or habitual acceptance—can lead to better psychological health. This is because acceptance reduces negative emotional responses to stress. In three studies, habitual acceptance was associated with higher well-being, life satisfaction, and lower symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Remember, true self-care encourages a balance of positive thinking and emotional honesty, allowing for a healthier, more resilient mindset, preparing you to deal with negativity in the future when “life happens.”

2. Oppressive Optimism—“Everything Happens for a Reason”

Optimism is vital when dealing with negativity, but believing that everything happens for a reason can cancel out genuine feelings of fear and uncertainty.

Imagine someone with a terminal illness—telling them to stay positive and that everything happens for a reason can really nullify their very real fears of mortality and loss. Avoiding natural negative emotions under the guise of optimism can prevent them from fully processing their trauma and addressing their real health concerns. This kind of toxic positivity can lead to emotional suppression, increased anxiety, and a lack of genuine connection with others who may be going through similar struggles—people who could actually help them overcome it.

Margo Lecompte-Van Pouckethe main author of a study on toxic positivity, points out that overly positive language on social media can prevent some people from accepting that illnesses can be chronic and incurable, and that a diagnosis is often accompanied by a lot of negative thoughts and constant physical and mental suffering.

Research also suggests that people who struggle to manage their emotions—particularly by accepting negative emotions and finding effective ways to control them—tend to have stronger negative emotional reactions when reminded of their traumatic experiences. These reactions are often associated with the recurrence of PTSD symptoms, such as vivid memories or flashbacks. Therefore, how we handle our emotions affects how we respond when reminded of past traumas.

A more balanced and adaptive approach would mean reflecting on emotional nuances. Acknowledging fears and talking about them with a therapist or support group can provide the emotional validation you may need. Balancing optimism with realism allows for better preparation for the future while effectively managing present emotional states. True self-care means making room for all emotions, positive and negative, and letting them co-exist.

3. Affirmation Overload—”I’m strong, I can handle anything”

Positive affirmations can be empowering, but relying on them too much can backfire. Imagine someone going through a difficult divorce, constantly telling themselves, “I’m strong” and “I can handle anything” to maintain their confidence and stay positive. While this may seem helpful, it may prevent them from sharing their pain and struggles with their loved ones, for fear that admitting their vulnerability will make them appear weak or unsure of their decision.

This reluctance to show vulnerability creates a facade of strength, blocking the need to seek support and express true feelings. This behavior, often called hyper-independence, makes people feel like they have to handle everything on their own and never show a chink in their armor. This leads to a vicious cycle of bottling up emotions and feeling increasingly isolated while trying to maintain that unshakable “I’ve got this” image.

Research shows that bottling up negative emotions or expressing them externally affects our body’s response to stress. Expressing emotions such as anger or stress can temporarily raise blood pressure, but holding back these emotions can cause an even greater impact with each new stressful situation, as highlighted by 2014 study.

So a better approach to self-care would involve acknowledging and embracing your vulnerabilities and seeking support from trusted friends, family or a therapist. Real strength comes from facing your feelings honestly and asking for help when needed. Balancing affirmations with genuine self-reflection and open communication leads to a more authentic and supportive self-care practice.

Is your self-care practice informed by honest emotional self-reflection? take it Emotional Quotient Inventory be aware of your capacity for emotional intelligence and transparency.