Learning to disagree effectively with others can build stronger relationships.
Many situations arise in everyday life where individuals must express disagreement, whether it is making critical decisions at work with a business partner or navigating ideological differences with loved ones.
Disagreement is often inevitable in relationships and can even be healthy as it allows us to learn more about ourselves and others. However, when disagreements go wrong, they can leave us feeling hurt and dissatisfied, resulting in unproductive outcomes and an inability to address underlying concerns.
Here are three ways to disagree with someone in a way that leads to constructive results.
1. Commit to active listening
A new study published in Psychological Science reveals that many people misinterpret disagreements as signs of poor listening.
“We find that people rate a listener who disagrees with them as a worse listener than a listener who agrees with them,” explain lead author Bella Ren and co-author Rebecca Schaumberg of the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania.
According to researchers, people naturally favor those who share their views. They tend to rate people they like positively on various traits, seeing them as better listeners, more pleasant, approachable, and even more humorous than others. This is called the “halo effect”.
Additionally, a major contributor to this tendency is “naïve realism,” which holds that individuals believe that their perception of the world reflects an unbiased and objective view of reality.
Therefore, it is important for speakers to feel heard and understood.
“On average, speakers felt that the listener listened to them better when the listener focused on the speaker, showed understanding, and showed respect and interest in what the speaker was saying. Thus, even if a listener disagrees with the speaker, it is still worthwhile to engage in these behaviors,” the researchers explain.
2. Approach conversations with an open mind
Often, people engage in discussions solely to support their point of view or to get others to agree with them. This approach is counterproductive as it can create an adversarial dynamic that prevents meaningful communication and leads to missed opportunities to learn, collaborate, and explore different perspectives.
“We need to realize that conversations involve two (or more) parties, and speakers also have a responsibility to facilitate a better, more open-minded conversation experience. “Individuals may be better able to understand that disagreement may not come from poor listening or narrow-mindedness—others may simply see the world differently because of their different backgrounds,” the researchers explain.
A 2022 study also found that when participants were given a choice between two conflicting interlocutors—one who wanted to persuade them and the other who wanted to learn from them—the majority preferred the partner who wanted to learn. This suggests that people prefer discussions where their views are actually taken into account, even if there is disagreement.
The next time you find yourself arguing with someone, it will probably help to do so with gentle curiosity, a willingness to learn, and to dive deeper into the other person’s perspectives and motivations.
3. Set clear intentions and expectations before a conversation
When disagreements arise, most people tend to become defensive, form opinions about the other person, and let various hypothetical thoughts flood their minds between the initial disagreement and subsequent exchanges. By the third sentence you exchange, the other person can seem like an impenetrable fortress, making it feel impossible to break through.
Instead, it is essential for all involved to establish clear intentions and set expectations before the conversation even begins. For example, whether they are looking for emotional support or brainstorming to make an important decision, it helps to establish a common goal.
“Before a conversation, speakers and listeners may want to clarify what they are looking for or trying to provide in conversations so that they can communicate in a way that best serves the collective goal,” the researchers suggest.
Before presenting your own point of view, you can acknowledge differences in perspective and express a genuine interest in understanding the other, setting the tone for a constructive discussion where the goal is to learn from each other, rather than win a victory. conflict.
Like any other skill in life, effective communication is developed over time, through patience and a conscious effort to learn. These strategies can help you navigate disagreements with grace and turn them into positive conversations that allow everyone involved to feel valued and heard, regardless of their differences.
A full interview with researchers Bella Ren and Rebecca Schaumberg can be found here: UPenn researchers explain why dissent is often mistaken for ‘bad listening’
Wondering if you’re really a good listener? Take this test to find out: Active Empathic Listening Scale
