When a partner no longer feels invested in the relationship, they will lose interest … [+]
gettyMany people come to therapy when they feel a sudden disconnect between themselves and their partner. They may say things like:
- “We always shared our feelings with each other and talked all the time – about anything and everything. Now our discussions seem almost one-sided.”
- “We used to talk to each other about our hopes and dreams for the future, but now I can barely get them to agree on a dinner date. I don’t know what changed.”
- “No matter how hard I try to be a good partner, they always find a reason to hit me. Even my attempts at affection or closeness are met with anger.”
The sad reality of love and relationships is that no matter how hard we try, people’s feelings can change. However, despite this change, people may still choose to stay in the relationship — sometimes out of comfort and sometimes out of fear. Although the person may actively choose to stay, there will be noticeable changes in their behavior. They may be physically present, but the same cannot be said emotionally.
A 2000 study confirms this serious reality. It has been found that when a partner stays in a relationship they would rather leave, they will use certain strategies to create “psychological distance” between themselves and the other. By allowing them to feel mentally and emotionally distant from the other, these strategies serve to ease the discomfort of staying in a relationship that they feel is no longer serving them.
According to the author, there are three main distancing behaviors that a partner will use when they have lost interest in their relationship. Here’s how to tell if your partner is using them against you.
1. Posting
When a partner wants to create distance between themselves and the other, they will either subtly or overtly express as much distancing as they can. This serves to create distance by limiting the extent to which they engage with the other. By remaining short, neutral and indifferent, they deflect the other partner’s attempts at closeness – always keeping them at arm’s length.
For her part, it may seem that your partner has become less passionate or interested in conversations, joint activities or the relationship itself. They may avoid showing agreement or enthusiasm in conversations. If you check in with them—whether about their day, whether they’re enjoying their meal, or what plans you have—they’ll avoid giving you a straight yes or no answer. They will choose “I don’t know”, “never mind” or “whatever” instead.
In addition, they may display a noticeable lack of warmth or affection. Hugs, kisses and sex may become infrequent or feel casual. Once spontaneous gestures of love and care may disappear – replaced by a cold and distant demeanor.
You may also find them increasingly absorbed in their own world, whether it’s hobbies, work or social activities that don’t involve you. This withdrawal into their personal space serves as a barrier—putting you at a safe distance, mentally and emotionally away.
2. Non-Involvement
A partner competing to distance himself from the other will also avoid involvement as much as humanly possible. By limiting discussion of any future plans or events, as well as any actual attempts at communication, they avoid any commitments or promises of connection.
They will be as vague, evasive and hesitant as possible about anything involving both of you. Plans or invitations made may be met with “maybe” or “we’ll see” – and any inquiry into changes in their behavior will result in “we can talk about it another time” or “not now”.
In practice, this means they may avoid discussing upcoming vacations, joint projects, or long-term goals. You may find them suddenly too busy to make specific plans, or they may cancel previously scheduled dates without rescheduling. Their lack of enthusiasm for future engagements is a clear sign that they are mentally and emotionally disengaged from the relationship.
In addition, their communication style will become more and more superficial. Conversations and discussions that once delved deep into your interests, dreams, opinions and feelings will now be reduced to mundane, superficial topics. They may show a keen indifference to the events of your life – avoiding meaningful dialogue or any topics that require some kind of emotional investment altogether.
Ultimately, by withdrawing from any form of involvement, they create a barrier that prevents the relationship from moving forward or even maintaining its current state. This non-involvement is a strategy to reduce their emotional load and subtly signal their waning interest.
3. Competition
When a partner has lost interest in the relationship, they may turn to competition as a method of creating distance. This can manifest in both passive and active forms of aggression, all to shut you out and discourage further attempts at closeness.
Passive-aggressive behavior is often subtle and can be difficult to spot. Your partner may express their displeasure through indirect actions rather than direct communication. They may give you the silent treatment, refuse to engage in conversation or acknowledge your presence. They may even deliberately delay or “forget” to do things that are important to you or the relationship. And instead of dealing with issues directly, they may use sarcasm or make jabs.
Active-aggressive behavior is more evident. They may often criticize you or even blame you for problems in their relationship or personal life. They may have sudden, inexplicable outbursts of anger over minor issues, and your common environment may become tense and hostile. Flat displays of contempt or disrespect—such as eye-rolling, mocking, or mocking—may also become more common.
Regardless of whether the aggression is passive or active, the result is the same: you will feel excluded and unwanted. A mixture of these distancing behaviors can create a toxic atmosphere—one where communication and connection become nearly impossible. It can leave you feeling constantly stressed, unsure of how to approach your partner, and worst of all, seriously emotionally neglected.
Is your partner losing interest in you? take it Relationship Satisfaction Scale to get a scientifically based answer.
