Only if you handle these negotiations with care, he says Leigh ThompsonJ. Jay Gerber Professor of Dispute Resolution and Organizations at the Kellogg School.
“The most important thing is [that] we have a future with friends and family,” says Thompson. “These are not isolated negotiations. I’m not buying something like a house or a car where I’m really not going to see you again.”
In a recent edition of The Insightful Leader Live webinar series, Thompson described the pitfalls people fall into when trying to use business negotiation skills with their loved ones. The risks are countless, including escalating threats, escalating relationships, and outcomes that leave all parties feeling unsatisfied.
But if you avoid some common mistakes and change your goals, negotiating with friends and family can be successful.
“Win-win will be statistically more likely with friends and family than with business,” says Thompson. “You just have to change your language from transactional to relational.”
Don’t call it a bargain
Perhaps counterintuitively, the first mistake people make is to call negotiations their home.
“The first piece of advice I give people is, don’t use the word ‘negotiation’ when you’re talking to your spouse or your kids, because it’s radioactive,” Thompson says. “People think of negotiation as win-lose.”
Her advice is backed by a research study that the friends they found were more likely to reach a mutually beneficial solution when it was called a “problem-solving” exercise rather than a negotiation. It’s a loaded term that should be avoided … even when it’s accurate.
“The minute you use the word negotiation with someone you love and want to have a long-term relationship with, it sets off—at least subconsciously, sometimes consciously—mistrust and defensiveness,” says Thompson.
Likewise, the right timing can lead to more successful results.
“In business, we use calendar invitations…; at home, we ambush people,” says Thompson. “You don’t want to ambush people. Signal “I’d like to have a conversation. I don’t want to negotiate. I want to align with you.”
Don’t escalate
In business negotiations, a key principle is BATNA: Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. Think of it as a plan B, the action you take if the parties fail to reach a mutual solution—an outside job offer, an alternate supplier.
With loved ones, these alternatives can often feel like charged threats and can quickly turn into an arms race.
“When [we’re] at home with our family and friends, when we’re emotionally activated, that’s when we’re more likely to reach our BATNA,” says Thompson. “Then it starts to lead to this spiral.”
To avoid this escalation, it is important to set common goals at the beginning of the conversation. If he drifts into ultimatums, restore those mutual goals. And if the conversation gets heated, reframe the emotion.
“If you start to feel angry in a negotiation with your daughter or your husband or your friends, don’t call it anger. Express frustration,” says Thompson. “Frustration is a complementary emotion, not a reciprocal one. This means that, psychologically, when a human being expresses frustration, the person on the receiving end feels compelled to make amends.”
Do not use side channels
Dilemmas with friends and family often involve multiple parties—a group of friends deciding where to go on vacation, for example, or a sibling dispute over what to do with a deceased parent’s belongings.
In these cases, side conversations can be destructive, Thompson says. Negotiating the issue with one party at a time can exacerbate the dispute when all parties finally meet.
“Don’t form secret coalitions,” says Thompson. “If I meet you privately and take you [ahead of time]then that erodes trust when my family is at the table.”
Instead, get everyone together to discuss the topic, even if that means meeting virtually rather than in person. And establish the same safeguards as a bilateral negotiation.
“Get focused and start by articulating the common goal,” says Thompson. Then say, “We need to have an open forum with all of us present because everything we discuss is based on being honest with each other. Building that foundation where we feel like we can trust each other is extremely important.”
Don’t get stuck in binaries
When friends or family members negotiate, they often start by trying to convince the other party that their solution is the only right one. But adopting a rigid “my way or the highway” approach is as doomed to failure at home as it is in business.
“When people negotiate with family and friends, a lot of times they’re trying to get someone in their home to do something for them,” says Thompson. “And the person they’re targeting says, ‘I don’t want to be at the table with you.'” If that [mutual understanding] he is not present, we are not in negotiation. I’m trying to convince you.”
To avoid this impasse, it is wise to move from binaries to brainstorming. Drawing up a list of possible solutions and then ranking them along axes such as “good/better/better” or “cold/hot/warm” can help the parties reach mutually acceptable terms.
“Move the conversation away from acceptance and rejection where one person says, ‘No, I’m not going to agree to that,’ to, ‘Let’s think of a bunch of possibilities,'” suggests Thompson.
The good news is that this process can be easier in your personal life than in your professional life. Business negotiations often revolve around a single factor, such as a price or a delivery date. In contrast, disagreements with friends and family often have multiple dimensions: financial, emotional, logistical, etc.
This can make the negotiation more complicated, but it can also make it more likely that you will find a solution that works for everyone.
“A negotiation can only be a win-win if there’s more than one thing we’re negotiating,” says Thompson. “The potential for something other than lose-lose or win-lose is there.”
